Perfectionism and self-criticism are something a lot of us struggle with in life. As a therapist I’ve seen some unique ways that perfectionism plagues queer and trans folks. Have you had any of these perfectionism or self-critical thoughts:

“If I can’t be the best or be great at it, why do it at all?”

“I should be able to learn this new thing faster and shouldn’t be this far behind.”

In response to others recognizing your accomplishments you think: “That was a fluke,” or “Now they’ll always expect me to do this well. It’s too much pressure.”

Sometimes we feel the pull to achieve more and more because we don’t want to let others down. This comes at the cost of being critical towards ourselves. Or we feel the pressure to achieve because our sexuality, gender, or race are only acknowledged when we are achieving something. Maybe our need to achieve and be the best comes up because we want to prove something to ourselves. If you struggle with perfectionism or self-criticism, ask yourself: Who you trying to prove something to? Is this need to be accomplished related, in part, to internalized inferiority? Does the need to achieve come up in response to not feeling good enough or feeling like you need to make up for not being who they expect you to be? If so, you might be wrestling with some internalized queerphobia, transphobia, or racism.

Regardless of the origins for your perfectionism and self-criticism, here are three ways to work on changing it:

1)    Ceiling Goals

Oftentimes as a perfectionist you regularly make to-do lists and then firmly hold yourself to crossing everything off on that list or else you feel like crap. Another common behavior is that you keep adding new things to your to-do lists and end up feeling overwhelmed by the never-ending list.

The idea of what I call ‘ceiling goals’ is to make a list of the maximum number of tasks you will accomplish for that day or week. Our brain often interprets a to-do list as the minimum number of things we need to accomplish. When we write out the maximum number of to-do items, we flip this idea around because we are setting a ceiling or limit for ourselves.

Now this part of the process is very important…when you finish the list of ceiling goals for that day or week, you cannot write more to-dos until the next day or week. This queues us to stop working for the day or week once we finish the list of ceiling goals. It allows us to protect our rest and recharge time, instead of feeling compelled to spend the extra time adding more to-do items.

For example, I might write a ceiling goals list for the day that includes: catch up on emails and select next blog post topic. Once I finish these tasks for the day, I cannot add or work on more tasks, such as starting to outline the blog post or write the blog post. I allow myself to stop working for the day once the ceiling goals are done.

2)    The 80/20 Rule

This guideline stems from the assumption that we don’t have the time or resources to complete something 100%. That being the case, you are encouraged to think about what you can do that would take 20% of the effort, time, or resources but would still achieve about 80% of the task. Stated more simply, what is the smallest sub-task you can do that has the biggest impact?

For example, I want to clean my kitchen but I don’t have the time this week to fully clean it. According to the 80/20 rule I might prioritize wiping down the countertops and emptying the sink because I know those two things will have the greatest impact on my space feeling clean. It allows me to work on the task of cleaning my kitchen and move forward with it, even if I don’t do 100% of it.

3) Tuning into your emotions and their needs

You can use self-reflection, journaling, or therapy to notice the emotions connected to your perfectionism and self-criticism. Do you feel scared about losing people in your life if you stop achieving as much as you have been? Do you worry you’ll lose a sense of yourself and your identity if you lessen the pressure to keep accomplishing things? Have you grieved for the things you miss out on because of the perfectionism and pressure to achieve?

Perfectionism and self-criticism might hold you back from getting to explore or do new things. It may come at the cost of you missing out on time with family or friends because you are spending that time working. Does it come at the cost of you missing out on trying a new hobby because you worry you won’t be good at it? All these things are worth grieving. What has meeting others’ expectations cost you in terms of your sense of self?

What are your feelings related to the perfectionism telling you that you need? Maybe you need people who will see you and love you regardless of your accomplishments. Perhaps you need to allow yourself to embrace new things and say “I’m gonna be bad at it, and I’m gonna do it anyways.”

Above all else, remember that you are enough just as you are.