Why are family gatherings so stressful for LGBTQ+ people?

For many people, the winter season and holidays mean more time with family. For LGBTQ+ people, being around homo-bi-transphobic family members can bring additional stress. This particular type of stress is referred to as minority stress (Meyer, 2003). It occurs when LGBTQ+ people experience mental and emotional strain from being subjected to homophobic, biphobic, or transphobic comments. There are ways to prepare for this potential stress while at home, as well as ways to continue connecting with your LGBTQ+ identities.

How can I protect my mental health and LGBTQ+ identities while around homophobic family?

One way to protect your mental health and LGBTQ+ identities is to set boundaries with family or loved ones. This starts with you giving yourself permission to set boundaries. When a family member says something homophobic you can respond with “I’m not having this conversation with you,” or even a simple “I don’t know how you want me to respond to that.”

You can also make active decisions about who gets to know what details about you and your identities. Sharing your LGBTQ+ identity and experiences are something that should be honored. You don’t owe anyone these details of your life if they won’t treat you with respect. For example, you can decide what level of detail will be best for you when a family member asks how your semester at college is going. Do you want to specifically share that you joined a LGBTQ+ student organization, or would it feel better for you to simply say that you joined some student orgs and are making new friends there? You get to decide the level of detail that is shared.

How can I nurture my mental health and LGBTQ+ identities while around homophobic family?

Even with the hardships of having homophobic family, there are many wonderful things about being LGBTQ+. Focusing on the positives about being queer or trans, without slipping into toxic positivity, is important. There are so many positive things that being bi/queer has brought into my life: allowing me to question relationship and gender norms, finding community with fellow bi+ folks, and feeling more authentic and at home with myself, just to name a few. I am forever grateful for how being bisexual has changed my life.

Some ways to take care of yourself and tap into these positives:

Practicing Mindfulness

When practicing mindfulness you can do a general mindfulness practice or you can look up queer-affirming or gender euphoria guided meditations online.

Talking with your LGBTQ+ affirming therapist

Make sure you’ve scheduled appointments for before and after the visit with your homo-bi-transphobic family. You can use the appointment prior to your visit to prepare for it. Then, you use your next appointment to debrief how the visit went.

Journaling

Journaling before, during, and after your visit can help you stay attuned to your inner experience and self-affirmation. Imagine you are 5 years in the future, what would you want your current self to know? What words of encouragement do you have? What advice would you give your current self?

 Embracing queer expressions

Make active choices with your expression (hair, clothes, etc.) while with family. Are there ways to express yourself that make you proud or euphoric while also keeping you safe? For example, if having painted nails is a form of queer or gender expression for you, can you have your toenails painted while visiting family? This way it can be a more private form of expression, but still allows you to express yourself and tap into your queerness or gender.

Music is another wonderful form of expression. Before heading to visit family, can you build a playlist of songs that make you feel proud to be LGBTQ+? Then after having to deal with homophobic comments from family members, you can take some time to put your air pods in and privately reclaim some queer joy.

 Connecting with fellow LGBTQ+ people

Find your chosen family and hold on tight! Make sure you have ways to stay in touch with your chosen family when spending time with your family of origin. Maybe you want to organize a celebration (e.g. Friendsgiving) with your chosen family for before or after your time with your family of origin.

 Using LGBTQ-specific supports

You can also reach out for support via LGBTQ-specific crisis lines. Trans Lifeline and the Trevor Project are two that I recommend to my clients.

 Where have you found the light? What has helped you nurture your LGBTQ+ identities?

So why do we keep coming out despite homophobic parents and family?

Download our list of the 8 science-backed ways being LGBTQ+ makes your life better.

If you’re looking for a therapist who gets how stressful and painful it is to be around homophobic family members, reach out to me for a free consult. I am a bi/queer therapist in Minneapolis, MN. I provide online therapy for LGBTQ+ people located throughout Minnesota. You can have a life where you feel supported and secure in your queer identity. Let’s connect and nurture what your LGBTQ+ identity means to you. I’d love to support you.

Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674-697. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.129.5.674