3 Harmful Myths About LGBTQ+ Relational Trauma

LGBTQ+ people experience higher rates of abuse and trauma than their cis-het counterparts. Yet, most discussions about childhood and relationship abuse survivors focus on cis, straight women. So why are LGBTQ+ survivors’ voices being silenced? Here are three harmful myths that disempower and discredit LGBTQ+ trauma survivors:

Myth #1: Your childhood abuse “made you gay.”

Myth #2: Relationship abuse and violence doesn’t exist in queer relationships.

Myth #3: Your need for (physical/sexual/emotional) boundaries with fellow LGBTQ+ people is just internalized homophobia.

Let’s look at each of these in more detail…

Myth #1: Your Childhood abuse "made you gay."

This myth is particularly harmful for LGBTQ+ survivors of childhood trauma. During my years providing therapy, I’ve seen LGBTQ+ survivors of childhood abuse (whether emotional, physical, or sexual) continue to experience the mental health effects of these events well into adulthood.

It’s heartbreaking to have a LGBTQ+ therapy client build the courage to not only come out about being LGBTQ+, but also as a childhood trauma survivor, only to be dismissed. Their trauma history gets twisted into being the reason for their queer or trans identity. It invalidates their identity and their understanding of how that identity came to be.

Thinking that someone is gay because of childhood abuse sends the message that other people know more about them and their identities than they do. This is very disempowering.

Another harmful part of this myth is that it focuses on and gives power to the abuser. The abuser is the one credited for the survivor’s LGBTQ+ identity. It forever ties someone’s LGBTQ+ identity (what should be a wonderful and exciting part of themselves) with one of the most painful experiences of their life. Trauma survivors already suffer a number of losses because of their abuser. Losing their belief to know themselves, especially when it comes to their LGBTQ+ identity, should not be another one.

Myth #2: Relationship abuse and violence doesn’t exist in queer relationships.

Over the years I’ve spoken with countless LGBTQ+ therapy clients whose relational trauma was invalidated or never acknowledged as trauma. There are several reasons why this erasure occurs. Homophobia in our society makes consensual queer sex a taboo and often censored topic. Add in the layer of nonconsensual queer sex or controlling relationship dynamics and it becomes even more silenced. 

There are gender-specific aspects that play into this myth as well. When we view queer men as hypersexual and always open to sex, we ignore their agency to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to sex.

Also keep in mind that queer men’s agency to verbally consent to sex with other men has historically been outlawed through sodomy laws. These laws enforced legal repercussions for consensual queer sex. In doing so, we robbed queer men of the power to say ‘yes’ to sex, thereby also robbing them of the power to say ‘no.’ This history contributes to the erasure of sexual violence and abuse that occurs between queer men.

Relationships among queer women are often stereotyped as idyllic and less violent than women’s relationships with men. Misogyny plays into the societal perception that women cannot be perpetrators of abuse.

This misogynistic thinking becomes even more apparent when there’s a femme partner abusing a less-femme or butch partner. We saw this play out on Netflix’s The Ultimatum: Queer Love when a femme partner admits to and enacts domestic abuse towards her partner, but it is never acknowledged on the show as abuse. There is no black screen listing resources for a domestic abuse hotline.

Queer women survivors of relational trauma also face the stereotype that emotional abuse is ‘less valid’ compared to physical or sexual abuse. However, emotional abuse can be just as insidious to their mental health. I have sat with clients as they come to recognize that perpetually feeling on edge, being relentlessly invalidated by their partner, and forced to emotionally caretake past partners was in fact, trauma.

Myth #3: Your need for (physical/sexual/emotional) boundaries with fellow LGBTQ+ people is just internalized homophobia.

It’s deeply upsetting when a LGBTQ+ trauma survivor feels like something is wrong with them for being upset about how a fellow LGBTQ+ person behaved. I’ve heard therapy clients describe something that is so clearly sexual assault and then question, “But if I didn’t like how they touched me, am I just being homophobic?”

This myth suggests that a queer or trans person is homophobic for not liking how another LGBTQ+ person treated them, or that they are “making a big deal” out of a fellow LGBTQ+ person violating their boundaries. It silences the trauma survivor’s experience. It silences the reality of assault and abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships and communities.

This myth also perpetuates the idea that someone’s queer identity is only valid if they have experienced and enjoyed all forms of queer sex and relationships. The reality is that someone’s identity and their behavior are two separate things.

Someone can be a gay man without ever having had a relationship or sex with another man. Just like someone can be bisexual without ever having had a relationship or sex with someone of the same gender. People can also have sex with someone of the same gender and not identify as queer. People can enjoy some aspects of queer sex and not others, and still be queer.

LGBTQ+ people deserve to have agency in their lives and boundaries about their body. These boundaries should be respected without questioning their queerness or being made to feel they are the problem.

Message of Hope

Even with the pervasiveness of these myths, I do see more and more folks speaking openly about being LGBTQ+ trauma survivors. In order for survivors and our LGBTQ+ community to heal, survivors need to be affirmed and supported. I encourage all of us to validate and uplift the voices of LGBTQ+ trauma survivors.

Given the prevalence and nuanced experience of LGBTQ+ trauma survivors, it’s so important to have a LGBTQ-specialized trauma therapist who gets it. Trauma-informed therapy can help you explore how harmful myths like these ones have hurt you and gotten in the way of your healing. If you're looking to start healing from past abusive or toxic relationships and want LGBTQ-specialized trauma counseling in Minneapolis or greater Minnesota, feel free to reach out to me. I provide online therapy to LGBTQ+ folks located in Minnesota.

Related Resources:

OutFront MN Anti-Violence Program

Food 4 Thot (podcast): 4 Queers Walk Into a Bar… and We’re Totally Asking For It

In the Dream House (book) by Carmen Maria Machado